My Current Days to My Friends

I want to tell my friends about my current days.
I have got mails to ask about how I am and worry about my days from my warm-heart friends, and I'm very glad to hear from my kind friends very much.
Thank you very much for caring for me a lot.

I have wanted to send back to my friends one by one in my words, but I'm not ready for giving mails now.

As I tell to some of my friends, I love my grandmother from the depth of my heart and she has been about to pass away.

Yesterday, when I went to hospital, she couldn't open her eyes and kept sleeping weakly and with very cold.  I couldn't help getting her last to see her, but while I had talked to sleeping her about my thankful feelings and old days with her, she woke up, looked at me and gave me her hand with sad and happy smile. Though she can't talk clearly, she said to me "ari..." and tried to get up to go back home with me. 
"Ari..." is the first letters of "arigatou", which means "thank you" in Japanese.

She couldn't have gone home for more than 11 years because of the dementia in spite of loving her home.
Since I suggested her to go home together besides sleeping her, she could listen to me and  really wanted to do with me.

I found later she became a little warm on her face and her brain worked a bit.
Whenever I go to hospital, she always expresses me some of her feelings with all of her body, which is my happiest in my daily lives now.
So I go to hospital to see and talk with her everyday.

On the other hand, I'm ready for accepting her for the final in my heart, too. I'll be alright then, I'm sure.

I really really do feel warm in my heart to hear from my friends, but I'm sorry for not sending back soon.
I will return mails to all of my friends after settling it down.
I'm willing to thank you to cheer me up very much.
I'd be grateful for you if you understand me and wait for me until the time comes. 

I hope everything is better and great for all of you!
Thanks for reading, "Arigatou!"

ついに来てしまったな、この時が。生まれてから結婚するまでずっと一緒に住んでた祖母の危篤状態。特に認知症を患ってからのこの１８年間のことを振り返ると、家庭に、子育てに、仕事にそして介護にと、かなり大変だったけど、その分いっぱい思い出が溢れ出てきて、自然と泣いてる毎日が続いています。　　

胃ろうをしてから4年半、胃ろうが出来なくなり、通常の点滴に変わったのが1/26。それも出来なくなり、手の施しようがないと言われたのが2/8。もう十分気持ちの整理もつきました。
「もう痛い思いをしなくてもいいよ、向こうでみんな待ってるよ、よく孫たちを抱っこしてくれたよね、今までありがとうね、一緒に家に帰ろうね・・・」と冷たくなりつつある眠っている祖母に語りかけたら、目を開けて、私たちをじーと見ながら「あり・・・」と言った祖母。「ありがとうって言ったの？」って尋ねたら、首を大きく縦にウンと頷きました。

寂しいけれど、いっぱいの祖母との思い出が私の胸の中にあるので、最期の時を祖母と、家族と、親戚と共に待っています。
それまで、少しでも残された時間を祖母が寂しい思いをしなくてもいいように、毎日顔を見に行き、一緒におれる時間を胸に刻みたいと思っています。

毎日、友だちから励ましのメールを貰って、すごく感謝しています。
すぐにでも返信したいところだけれど、まだまだ気持ちが落ち着いてなくて、返信ができずにごめんなさい。
落ち着いたら、必ず、一人ひとりに「元気になったよメール」を送ります。それまで待っていてくれたら、すごくうれしいです。
いつも　ありがとう。